notes: weight of heaven
Monday, January 6th, 2020 10:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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salutantReferences, characterisation points, misc writing thoughts, and four deleted scenes.
Seungcheol is at heart, a maknae: I think about the Korean hierarchy system a lot. Like Seungcheol is the oldest and the leader of Seventeen, but he is the youngest in his family. He’s used to being looked after and coddled so once he’s comfortable, he defaults back to being a pouty whingey baby (LOL). But that means Seungcheol had to learn to become a leader because it’s so against his nature.
(Related, Chan gives off a hyung vibe even though he’s the maknae. In an alternate universe, he also could have been an excellent leader. #stopbabyingChan2020)
Jeonghan on the other hand is an oppa so he easily transitions into being svt’s hyung. But unlike Seungcheol, I feel like he’s less willing to be vulnerable because he knows he needs to appear reliable and strong. Compared to Coups/Seungkwan/Soonyoung, we barely see him cry on stage. If he gets teary, you can see him trying to hold back or hiding, bending his head down or turning around, only facing the camera when he’s dry-eyed. I used to have the impression that maybe he was just less emotional than the others, but then in interviews and through others I realise he’s actually just as sentimental and maybe just as easily prone to tears as Cheol. (E.g. the Fear interview when JH told us he couldn’t stop crying during Seokmin’s musical because he was so proud + Soonyoung’s comments in camping GoSe). I think he defaults to compartmentalising his weaknesses when there’s someone relying on him.
*Standard disclaimer about RPF characterisations. I’m not claiming to “know” them because I know I only see the fraction that is polished and edited and cherry-picked. These comments should only be taken the context of fic-writing.
This fic started because of some personal circumstances which led me to wondering how being an idol affected your ability to love, and I thought of three ways.
(1) not knowing what love is because as an idol your job is to manufacture it, and then missing the ship when it hits you in the face
(2) not being able to love because you're so used to criticism so any semblance of genuine care scares and disgusts you
(3) being scared of love because you belong to your fans and any action that dilutes your public image is career ruining
I originally tried for a happy ending where JeongCheol ends up together but I couldn’t do it because sounded forced and formulaic. I had it outlined but it felt like a recipe. Step 1: Love Yourself.
I also felt like I was overstepping Jeonghan’s autonomy, and forcing a happy ending would have been intrusive because it was a journey for Jeonghan to figure out himself. I didn’t want it to be a fic about finding love, but instead, about an idol realising their burdens, and choosing to face love anyway.
(It’s partly because I haven’t even figured it out for myself, so it would have been a scam if I wrote Jeonghan getting emotional closure.)
The word fuckable was originally gay, and this is based off my previous experiences showing kpop to cis men, and the cringy jokes MCs would make at Jeonghan’s expense when he had long hair (e.g. star show 360). I suppose that would tick off the ‘shrodinger’s twink’ bingo card but at that moment, I changed it because to do it justice I would have to explore homophobia in kpop and I can list at least 5 reasons why I don’t want to touch that.
Jeonghan leans back and Seungcheol follows him onto the bed.
Seungcheol doesn’t say, “Show me,” but Jeonghan hears the words anyway, in the way Seungcheol’s fingers dig into his thigh, the way his palm pushes up Jeonghan’s shorts until the hem is at his hip and every word is uncovered. Jeonghan’s breathing is too loud in his own ears and Seungcheol is too silent, his eyes too dark.
Asshole-stuck-up-selfish-cold. Those are still there, looking exactly the same as when he first saw them, in that toilet stall in high school. Risk and complacent have gone now, but there are others too now — talentless and disappointing and lazy and then, small and fading but still there, c r u e l.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it.”
“You meant it,” Jeonghan whispers, “That’s how words work.”
“Not now,” Seungcheol slouches his head down, “Not now.”
Jeonghan feels the heat of Seungcheol’s sigh wash over his inner thighs, and that’s all the warning he gets before he feels a sharp bite. Jeonghan yelps.
“What are you doing?”
“They’re wrong,” Seungcheol says, firm, mouthing at the words. His eyebrows are furrowed.
“Someone thinks so,” Jeonghan shrugs, trying to be flippant.
“They’re wrong.”
“They meant it, just like you did.”
Seungcheol’s thumb digs in and he winces. “I’m sorry,” Seungcheol says — for what Jeonghan is not sure but he takes it anyway.
“Don’t be.” Jeonghan looks away, “I did something to give them that impression.”
“I don’t understand how anyone could think that about you.”
Jeonghan scoffs, “It’s entirely possible.”
“They shouldn’t.”
“These words, they represent honest feelings. Let’s respect that.”
“I…” Seungcheol’s thumb is soft now, rubbing over his bite mark. He’s thinking now, Jeonghan can tell in the way his bottom lip juts out, how his eyes become unfocused, “I don’t think you’re like that.”
Jeonghan’s lip curl, “You don’t think I’m like that.”
Seungcheol looks up, “Why do you say it like that.”
Jeonghan opens his mouth. It’ll be so easy to be cruel now, to stab a little harder and twist, just to see how Seungcheol bleeds.
“Jeonghan,” Seungcheol whispers, “Why don’t you believe me?”
Jeonghan closes his mouth.
“You’re kind and supportive and hardworking and beautiful,” Seungcheol kisses over every word, leaving heat in his tracks, “My Hannie-yah.”
“You sound good,” Jihoon says, he taps his keyboard a couple of times, “Yeah that was great.”
“Thanks,” Jeonghan cocks a grin, “What’s next.”
“That’s it.”
“I’m done?”
“Yeah you did it in one go. Wow,” Jihoon genuinely sounds impressed, “Your tone improved a lot hyung.”
“Oh.” Something pink-tinged flutters inside of Jeonghan. Seokmin shoots him a thumbs up from the couch and passes him water.
“Actually… there’s one thing,” swivelling his chair, Jihoon finds his iPad and flicks through a few documents, “What do you think?”
Jeonghan crooks his head over Jihoon’s shoulder. “Isn’t that our next title song?”
“I want you to do the demo.”
“Seokmin’s right there.”
“I got musical practice,” Seokmin chips in, “No time.”
“Seungkwan?”
“He’s bratty when he’s injured,” Jihoon raises an eyebrow, “I’d rather work with you. Don’t tell him that.”
“My voice won’t be as good though,” Jeonghan nudges.
“Your voice is fine hyung, you’re a good singer.”
A good singer. Jeonghan flushes, ears heating up. And then it’s his wrist, itching like a someone was lightly dragging a nail against his skin.
“Hyung?” Jihoon leans back to look at him.
He moves his arm to show him, “Jihoonie was sincere.”
Now it’s Jihoon’s turn to flush and look away, “Of course.”
“Is that a new word hyung?” Seokmin steps up, peering at his arm.
“Mhm.”
Seokmin gasps, “Has no one said it to you before?”
“Well, I’m not exactly known for my singing,” Jeonghan says pragmatically, “Remember debut?”
“That’s not fair, you’ve worked so hard on it,” Seokmin stresses “You are a good singer hyung.” The word lights up again. “Did you feel that.”
“Yes.”
“Good,” Seokmin holds up Jeonghan’s wrist like a phone then dips his head so that his mouth is right next the word, “HYUNG IS A GOOD SINGER.”
“Stop stop,’ Jeonghan laughs, “it tickles now.”
“It’s not going to grow larger just like that,” Jihoon smiles.
“I’m trying my best,” Seokmin grins.
“Since when has Seokminnine been so confident?”
“Since I had hyung to look after me.”
No more words appear, but by the wideness of Seokmin’s grin alone, Jeonghan knows his words are sincere.
“Don’t you love Seungcheol?” Seokmin blurts out once they force Jihoon take a walk and to go to the bathroom.
“Excuse me?” Jeonghan’s voice cracks, whipping his head up. Seokmin isn’t even looking at him, intent on picking at stray fibres on the sofa.
“It confuses me, to see you two like this, I don’t know what’s going on.”
“What makes you think I love him?”
“The lyrics you write, the way he looks at you… Actually everyone knows hyung.”
“What,” Jeonghan whispers.
“I mean! Don’t worry you’re not obvious but we live together after all and — ” Seokmin coughs.
“Soonyoung,” Jeonghan squints.
Seokmin squeezes his eyes shut, “and Wonwoo walked in on you once and told everyone.”
Jeonghan’s heart gave out at that exact moment. If he died it would not be surprising if autopsy report declared ‘expired from embarrassment’. Wonwoo. It’s always the quiet ones. “Everyone knows.” Jeonghan buries his face in his hands.
Seokmin nods furiously, “And we’re all okay with it. I want you to know that.”
“Really?”
“Well Mingyu’s in denial but that doesn’t count.”
Jeonghan laughs weakly, “Why bring it up now?”
“It’s just… it feels like you’re holding back, and I wonder if it’s because if you’re thinking of Seventeen.”
It’s 2022 and Jeonghan is enlisting in June. He’s sitting at the hairdresser watching them shave his scalp, eyeing the thick clumps of hair that float down to the ground. He hasn’t looked like this since he was four.
All of a sudden the barber stops. “Oh,” they exclaim, touching the crown of his head “You have a word here.”
“I know.” Jeonghan says, glancing up briefly.
they hold up the mirror and it takes a moment because the image is in reverse but it says —
lover
(anonymous commenting is open and I love discourse)
(psst, remember to check out Episode 33 of the Fic Clique podcast where they discuss Weight of Heaven and my voice notes on the podcast.)
references
- The scenes about their morning routine + eating kimchi fried rice in the van is from the SVT episode of The Manager
- The hyung that Jun talks about is Eric Chou HAHA (chinese ballad king go stan). In an episode of CYZJ (The Collaboration) he writes lyrics from the perspective of his dog waiting for him at home: “If I could somehow let you know // somehow let you feel all better // That everything’s alright. // Nobody knows, how I really feel // waiting for you, forgotten in your bedroom”.
- The drinking party is based off Chan throwing shade in SVT Club about his coming of age celebration. He implies he was majorly harassed and Not Happy about how the hyungs took advantage of his day just to get drunk off their ass
- Jaejoong is of course, about kpop’s first major lawsuit when DB5K split (now TVXQ). 2005-2009, there was no other boy group like them, they were like kings and it crumbled overnight. Tao, Luhan and Kris was an almost poetic continuation of that. Woojin leaving Stray Kids, Wonho leaving Monsta X and Sulli is recent news so I won’t explain those. Jay Park (then Jaebum) left 2PM because knetz found his MySpace comments to a friend dissing korea and strung him alive across the media. UEE and Suzy both had rough moments when they were the ‘it’ girl and it was popular to hate on them (taking up acting, dating, weight, solo success as a betrayal of the group)
- What happened to Tablo (of Epik High) is batshit insane and the worst case of witch hunting in the last twenty years of kpop. This article covers it well. To summarise, knetz didn’t believe he graduated from Stanford so they doxxed him, threatened to kill him, threatened his mum, stalked and harassed his relatives, Stanford staff, and every korean-amerian named Dan Lee. At one point he stopped going out because people would yell at him in the street. He couldn’t take his daughter to hospital because he was scared that even the doctor was against him. “It felt like I was living in a Kafka novel.”
- I don’t think I can ever write about Tablo, but my rage and sadness about cancel culture and internet vigilantism imbues part of this fic.
- um the seokmin scene was because I binged on Trotter’s fics and it made me soft
characterisation*
Seungcheol is at heart, a maknae: I think about the Korean hierarchy system a lot. Like Seungcheol is the oldest and the leader of Seventeen, but he is the youngest in his family. He’s used to being looked after and coddled so once he’s comfortable, he defaults back to being a pouty whingey baby (LOL). But that means Seungcheol had to learn to become a leader because it’s so against his nature.
- Hang Sung Soo in SVT Club: “artists normally have a lot of greed but the leader has to sacrifice to a certain degree. Hiding your own feelings, listening to the others, and things like that. in a way it’s the complete opposite of you.” (;_____;)
(Related, Chan gives off a hyung vibe even though he’s the maknae. In an alternate universe, he also could have been an excellent leader. #stopbabyingChan2020)
Jeonghan on the other hand is an oppa so he easily transitions into being svt’s hyung. But unlike Seungcheol, I feel like he’s less willing to be vulnerable because he knows he needs to appear reliable and strong. Compared to Coups/Seungkwan/Soonyoung, we barely see him cry on stage. If he gets teary, you can see him trying to hold back or hiding, bending his head down or turning around, only facing the camera when he’s dry-eyed. I used to have the impression that maybe he was just less emotional than the others, but then in interviews and through others I realise he’s actually just as sentimental and maybe just as easily prone to tears as Cheol. (E.g. the Fear interview when JH told us he couldn’t stop crying during Seokmin’s musical because he was so proud + Soonyoung’s comments in camping GoSe). I think he defaults to compartmentalising his weaknesses when there’s someone relying on him.
*Standard disclaimer about RPF characterisations. I’m not claiming to “know” them because I know I only see the fraction that is polished and edited and cherry-picked. These comments should only be taken the context of fic-writing.
on writing, and alternatives
This fic started because of some personal circumstances which led me to wondering how being an idol affected your ability to love, and I thought of three ways.
(1) not knowing what love is because as an idol your job is to manufacture it, and then missing the ship when it hits you in the face
(2) not being able to love because you're so used to criticism so any semblance of genuine care scares and disgusts you
(3) being scared of love because you belong to your fans and any action that dilutes your public image is career ruining
I originally tried for a happy ending where JeongCheol ends up together but I couldn’t do it because sounded forced and formulaic. I had it outlined but it felt like a recipe. Step 1: Love Yourself.
I also felt like I was overstepping Jeonghan’s autonomy, and forcing a happy ending would have been intrusive because it was a journey for Jeonghan to figure out himself. I didn’t want it to be a fic about finding love, but instead, about an idol realising their burdens, and choosing to face love anyway.
(It’s partly because I haven’t even figured it out for myself, so it would have been a scam if I wrote Jeonghan getting emotional closure.)
The word fuckable was originally gay, and this is based off my previous experiences showing kpop to cis men, and the cringy jokes MCs would make at Jeonghan’s expense when he had long hair (e.g. star show 360). I suppose that would tick off the ‘shrodinger’s twink’ bingo card but at that moment, I changed it because to do it justice I would have to explore homophobia in kpop and I can list at least 5 reasons why I don’t want to touch that.
some deleted scenes
Jeonghan leans back and Seungcheol follows him onto the bed.
Seungcheol doesn’t say, “Show me,” but Jeonghan hears the words anyway, in the way Seungcheol’s fingers dig into his thigh, the way his palm pushes up Jeonghan’s shorts until the hem is at his hip and every word is uncovered. Jeonghan’s breathing is too loud in his own ears and Seungcheol is too silent, his eyes too dark.
Asshole-stuck-up-selfish-cold. Those are still there, looking exactly the same as when he first saw them, in that toilet stall in high school. Risk and complacent have gone now, but there are others too now — talentless and disappointing and lazy and then, small and fading but still there, c r u e l.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it.”
“You meant it,” Jeonghan whispers, “That’s how words work.”
“Not now,” Seungcheol slouches his head down, “Not now.”
Jeonghan feels the heat of Seungcheol’s sigh wash over his inner thighs, and that’s all the warning he gets before he feels a sharp bite. Jeonghan yelps.
“What are you doing?”
“They’re wrong,” Seungcheol says, firm, mouthing at the words. His eyebrows are furrowed.
“Someone thinks so,” Jeonghan shrugs, trying to be flippant.
“They’re wrong.”
“They meant it, just like you did.”
Seungcheol’s thumb digs in and he winces. “I’m sorry,” Seungcheol says — for what Jeonghan is not sure but he takes it anyway.
“Don’t be.” Jeonghan looks away, “I did something to give them that impression.”
“I don’t understand how anyone could think that about you.”
Jeonghan scoffs, “It’s entirely possible.”
“They shouldn’t.”
“These words, they represent honest feelings. Let’s respect that.”
“I…” Seungcheol’s thumb is soft now, rubbing over his bite mark. He’s thinking now, Jeonghan can tell in the way his bottom lip juts out, how his eyes become unfocused, “I don’t think you’re like that.”
Jeonghan’s lip curl, “You don’t think I’m like that.”
Seungcheol looks up, “Why do you say it like that.”
Jeonghan opens his mouth. It’ll be so easy to be cruel now, to stab a little harder and twist, just to see how Seungcheol bleeds.
“Jeonghan,” Seungcheol whispers, “Why don’t you believe me?”
Jeonghan closes his mouth.
“You’re kind and supportive and hardworking and beautiful,” Seungcheol kisses over every word, leaving heat in his tracks, “My Hannie-yah.”
“You sound good,” Jihoon says, he taps his keyboard a couple of times, “Yeah that was great.”
“Thanks,” Jeonghan cocks a grin, “What’s next.”
“That’s it.”
“I’m done?”
“Yeah you did it in one go. Wow,” Jihoon genuinely sounds impressed, “Your tone improved a lot hyung.”
“Oh.” Something pink-tinged flutters inside of Jeonghan. Seokmin shoots him a thumbs up from the couch and passes him water.
“Actually… there’s one thing,” swivelling his chair, Jihoon finds his iPad and flicks through a few documents, “What do you think?”
Jeonghan crooks his head over Jihoon’s shoulder. “Isn’t that our next title song?”
“I want you to do the demo.”
“Seokmin’s right there.”
“I got musical practice,” Seokmin chips in, “No time.”
“Seungkwan?”
“He’s bratty when he’s injured,” Jihoon raises an eyebrow, “I’d rather work with you. Don’t tell him that.”
“My voice won’t be as good though,” Jeonghan nudges.
“Your voice is fine hyung, you’re a good singer.”
A good singer. Jeonghan flushes, ears heating up. And then it’s his wrist, itching like a someone was lightly dragging a nail against his skin.
“Hyung?” Jihoon leans back to look at him.
He moves his arm to show him, “Jihoonie was sincere.”
Now it’s Jihoon’s turn to flush and look away, “Of course.”
“Is that a new word hyung?” Seokmin steps up, peering at his arm.
“Mhm.”
Seokmin gasps, “Has no one said it to you before?”
“Well, I’m not exactly known for my singing,” Jeonghan says pragmatically, “Remember debut?”
“That’s not fair, you’ve worked so hard on it,” Seokmin stresses “You are a good singer hyung.” The word lights up again. “Did you feel that.”
“Yes.”
“Good,” Seokmin holds up Jeonghan’s wrist like a phone then dips his head so that his mouth is right next the word, “HYUNG IS A GOOD SINGER.”
“Stop stop,’ Jeonghan laughs, “it tickles now.”
“It’s not going to grow larger just like that,” Jihoon smiles.
“I’m trying my best,” Seokmin grins.
“Since when has Seokminnine been so confident?”
“Since I had hyung to look after me.”
No more words appear, but by the wideness of Seokmin’s grin alone, Jeonghan knows his words are sincere.
“Don’t you love Seungcheol?” Seokmin blurts out once they force Jihoon take a walk and to go to the bathroom.
“Excuse me?” Jeonghan’s voice cracks, whipping his head up. Seokmin isn’t even looking at him, intent on picking at stray fibres on the sofa.
“It confuses me, to see you two like this, I don’t know what’s going on.”
“What makes you think I love him?”
“The lyrics you write, the way he looks at you… Actually everyone knows hyung.”
“What,” Jeonghan whispers.
“I mean! Don’t worry you’re not obvious but we live together after all and — ” Seokmin coughs.
“Soonyoung,” Jeonghan squints.
Seokmin squeezes his eyes shut, “and Wonwoo walked in on you once and told everyone.”
Jeonghan’s heart gave out at that exact moment. If he died it would not be surprising if autopsy report declared ‘expired from embarrassment’. Wonwoo. It’s always the quiet ones. “Everyone knows.” Jeonghan buries his face in his hands.
Seokmin nods furiously, “And we’re all okay with it. I want you to know that.”
“Really?”
“Well Mingyu’s in denial but that doesn’t count.”
Jeonghan laughs weakly, “Why bring it up now?”
“It’s just… it feels like you’re holding back, and I wonder if it’s because if you’re thinking of Seventeen.”
It’s 2022 and Jeonghan is enlisting in June. He’s sitting at the hairdresser watching them shave his scalp, eyeing the thick clumps of hair that float down to the ground. He hasn’t looked like this since he was four.
All of a sudden the barber stops. “Oh,” they exclaim, touching the crown of his head “You have a word here.”
“I know.” Jeonghan says, glancing up briefly.
they hold up the mirror and it takes a moment because the image is in reverse but it says —
lover
(anonymous commenting is open and I love discourse)
(psst, remember to check out Episode 33 of the Fic Clique podcast where they discuss Weight of Heaven and my voice notes on the podcast.)
no subject
Date: 28 February 2020 06:32 am (UTC)