weight of heaven: voice notes

[hwarium]

In 2021, my Seventeen fic Weight of Heaven was featured on episode 33 of the Fic Clique podcast! If you’ve read the fic but haven’t yet listened to Fic Clique please go and listen to that episode right now. It is such an Experience and you will be blessed. It’s actually incredible to hear fic being discussed between such clever funny people. I feel like a fly on the wall listening in on a close conversation between friends.

For the third anniversary of Fic Clique, I decided to record an audio reply to that episode, to use words to thank Nic, Brenna and Reid, and also to continue the conversation from the ideas raised in the podcasts. Ta da! (31:30 minutes total).

download link

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I mentioned in the audio that Weight of Heaven is born from fandom. From the beginning to now, its creation is fuelled by so much of the good things that happen when fans inspire each other. The original idea is a gift that keeps on giving, an idea that keeps escaping to run wild in the world.

It’s a little crazy now that the full experience of this fic now encompasses:

1. 2011: Glee Kurt/Blaine fic Permanent Marker by wynnie the pooh - the earliest occurrence of a ‘words on skin’ AU. (Possibly the origination, as the ‘soulmate marks’ trope also started in 2011 and this might be a derivation of that trend)
2. 2013: AU is prompted on snkkink, a kink meme for Attack on Titan.
   1. This prompt was filled IN A HOUR: falsehood is never in words by vype
   2. 2nd fill: Corporeal Vocabulary by bluebackstabber
3. 2019: a kpop fandom event, bleak boyband bingo begins.
4. January 2020: Weight of Heaven is published with its accompanying extended author’s note
5. September 2020: curiouscat conversations about the world-building (archived on dw)
6. March 2021: Weight of Heaven is featured and discussed on Fic Clique. (while you’re here, please also listen to the other 2 episodes where they discuss seventeen fic: now you have to let me go (four dreams in a row) by notspring and to hold it against your bones by Ester.
7. September 2021: Weight of Heaven remix - such common words, will they be sincere? by hannihoneybee
8. October 2022: hwarium records a voice reply to Fic Clique.

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For anyone that has reached this point of the journey. Ahhh, you’ve worked hard. Thank you for investing so much time into this fic of mine.

Comments

[poppyseedheart]

I listened to this when you posted it and have been sitting with my many many feelings ever since!! Here I am to share actual thoughts.

First, I love your timeline at the end here because it really is so interesting! I know you much better now than when I brought the fic to the pod (back then you were very mysterious in my head haha) and getting to hear your thought process both listening to us chat and also revisiting your own work is such a gift.

One of my favorite ideas here is that of Jeonghan's cruelty in not letting Seungcheol confess. In a world where so much really is about proving you mean it, saying the important thing aloud, etc., it really is such a powerful choice to cut him off like that. You articulated that in such a beautiful way and it's really stuck with me.

I also have to shout out your transition. And the introduction in general. You are SO FUNNY HWA. I was cracking up listening in my car. High quality jokes from a high quality orator.

Also— I do get really nervous every time an author engages back with us! Did I articulate myself well? Did I come across kindly? Did I say what I really meant to, and was it received in the way I hoped? So I'm so appreciative of the earnestness and vulnerability you brought here, because it felt so reflective of my own listening process, thinking, oh, this story belongs to so many more people than me or you, but also my interpretation is inside of my heart and I let it out to breathe and that means it can be seen. It's intense stuff and I feel really connected to the way you seem to simultaneously hold stories very closely but also welcome and embrace the fractured ways they exist in the collective consciousness. Does that make sense? I hope it does.

Overall this was just such a joy and I experienced many feelings listening. Thank you for opening up this world to us so many times! And for always staying rooted in the conversation this story is always taking part in. A joy, a gift, a pleasure and a half. <3

[hwarium]

ahhhhhhh!! twig!! nic!!! HELLO. thank you so much for leaving your thoughts here and for doing it so quickly (vs me who took 1.5 years). And I'm so glad to hear you enjoyed this -- it was on my yearly to-do list for both 2021 and 2022 and the first time I tried to record in April 2021 I got stage fright haha. Definitely made a lot of bad mouth sounds.

I was worrying about the same thing! Was I invalidating your interpretations? Is it an affront to say, "it was meant to be like this" when readers may have experienced it differently? How can I share my thoughts in a way that is constructive rather than oppressive because I am in the authorative position of the author. If I copy the way you sighed is that a tribute or a mockery??!!!??! (silent scream off mic, full of feeling)

also my interpretation is inside of my heart and I let it out to breathe and that means it can be seen. Oh this is such a lovely way to put it. Yes!! It makes sense <3 and you say such kind things about my words, I want to frame it as a reminder to keep doing that.

I've been thinking recently about, 'what should I say in fandom' - like saying words into the community that build it up rather than bring it down, or even just say things that are just noise. I think that's one of the reasons I love fic clique, is that I always finish it feeling excited to be a part of fandom. It's not as simple as "praise vs criticism", because sometimes there's discourse that really makes me think deeper about a thing, and therefore feel more engaged. And sometimes praise feels temporary, like a shot of dopamine that leaves you aching. So I really appreciate it when I see people going beyond that superficial engagement with media and let stories into their heart.

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btw radcliffe's essay is here if you would like to read it, and I was talking about this part:

To all the people who now feel that their experience of the books has been tarnished or diminished, I am deeply sorry for the pain these comments have caused you. I really hope that you don’t entirely lose what was valuable in these stories to you. If these books taught you that love is the strongest force in the universe, capable of overcoming anything; if they taught you that strength is found in diversity, and that dogmatic ideas of pureness lead to the oppression of vulnerable groups; if you believe that a particular character is trans, nonbinary, or gender fluid, or that they are gay or bisexual; if you found anything in these stories that resonated with you and helped you at any time in your life — then that is between you and the book that you read, and it is sacred. And in my opinion nobody can touch that. It means to you what it means to you and I hope that these comments will not taint that too much.

Radcliffe's words meant a lot to me because hogwarts was a part of my childhood and he puts it so beautifully and with so much dignity. Because instead of fighting JKR, he turns to address the people who have been hurt.