notes: once again, love
Sunday, August 30th, 2020 08:45 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hwarium posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
salutanthahahahahaha this was actually supposed to be a warm up exercise for another longfic, and a short break from you can be king again. And here we are.
I thought I could get it out of my system quickly because it was based off a personal post I wrote in March that was already 5000w, but then my overachieving brain had to adapt everything to Seventeen, interweave two plots, and make sure everything aligned according to narrative logic.
Most of the details were written from life, either parts of real relationships I experienced, the stories I picked up from friends, or the stray work of creative non-fiction. Definitely mixed and matched and multiplied so don’t look too closely into it~
(A pity this tenacity did not extend to love)
I like the paradox of Minghao, of how he is with himself, and how he is with people. I like his ambition, wanting to be a star ever since he was a baby, then chasing that dream overseas and working himself to the bone. I get the sense that he wants to be acknowledged by others, but at the same time, he doesn’t impose himself on others. He doesn’t reach out and ask to be seen, but when people perceive him, it means so much.
I had klavier’s give me a tempest up during editing because I admire how they wrote the development of a relationship. It feels so organic, and so GyuHao. It’s also a personal weak point for me because I also tend to lean on established relationships or ‘they had instant chemistry’ rather than working out how a relationship actually irons out over time.
I can never escape acefluff’s characterisation of Jihoon. That scene is influenced by the Jeonghan/Jihoon talk in Paint Me In Trust but I really need to rec whatever our souls are made of as an all-time favourite.
For 8Jun childhood friends, of course klavier, but also mariya’s 似曾相識 (soonhao, and the most galaxy brain take on pac rim). I had it up when I was writing in a cafe and the barista came over to tell me they were closing but my eyes were red from crying and uhhhh that was awkward. I love how they write about grief and loss in oblique (and it was v helpful that Jun was the one being mourned).
There are references to all of the fic above so if you recognise anything please let me know hehe, I will feel very satisfied
I read Anne Carson’s Eros recently and it transformed the way I thought about creating direction in writing. The whole book is a treatise on desire but these quotes influenced this fic.
I was talking to justine about transitions and moving plot along and she told me about how she sees scenes as a ‘no but’ or a ‘yes but’. As in, the story answers a question (yes/no) but at the same time, poses a new one to keep the reader interested. This idea helped so much when writing. For example, the line 'Vernon was the second person Minghao ever told he was gay' gave me the opportunity to hint at Junhui later, and also link back into the moment with Soonyoung.
One of the reasons the fic took so long is because every time I wrote a slightly problematic experience I gave the role to a non-seventeen haha. I love them too much.
It started with Yixing’s part. I didn’t expand on how coercive age-difference first-love relationships can be because alas, I also love Yixing a lot, but I needed a fuckboy and wanted all of seventeen to be pure-hearted :’D Will I ever overcome this problem in my path to great plot? Stay tuned.
I wanted to write about Minghao feeling disgusted when Mingyu confessed. When you sense that someone likes you and then your perception of them shifts. All of a sudden you’re picking out their flaws, bringing them down, getting annoyed at the little things. When the platonic affection now makes you uncomfortable when previously it delighted you.
I know this comes from an unhealthy place. I know it’s because I don’t see myself worthy of love, as someone who can be liked, so anyone who thinks that surely must have poor judgment and bad taste.
I know that is wrong, but I can’t help it. I’m still figuring it out, figuring myself out. When Mingyu confessed in this fic, it was already too late for another character arc and I was afraid it will detract from Jun's plot
Ah this is like weight of heaven all over again and me avoiding the whole “Step 1: Love Yourself” aspect of learning to be loved.
About the process, I surprised myself in the last week. I struggled with concentration and procrastination every time I sat down. But I went to cafes without my phone and blocked out time without wifi and just, forced myself to face the files. And it worked. A few days before posting I started compiling the scenes and I was surprised at how much I've written and how much of the ‘fuck I just need to get words out’ content was actually usable.
I remember Yoongi’s interview, about how he goes to studio and lies down for 8 hours and works for 2. The 8 hours are painful but he trusts that the muse will come, and it comes.
I learnt to trust myself like that too.
I watched Rowena Tsai's video recently about why you should stop setting goals and start establishing systems. Because goals are sometime in the future, to be achieved some day, but a system is something you can put in place now. With goals, you are only satisified when you reach it, but when you set a process, the moment, the journey is already worth celebrating. And when you sit down to do a little every day, the results will come.
The results will come. "I am built upon the small things I do everyday."This was a lesson I learnt from Haikyuu.
I thought I could get it out of my system quickly because it was based off a personal post I wrote in March that was already 5000w, but then my overachieving brain had to adapt everything to Seventeen, interweave two plots, and make sure everything aligned according to narrative logic.
Most of the details were written from life, either parts of real relationships I experienced, the stories I picked up from friends, or the stray work of creative non-fiction. Definitely mixed and matched and multiplied so don’t look too closely into it~
- Seungcheol was an amalgamation of my junior school crushes and miuyi’s portrayal of Seungcheol in their fic circles. When the yearbook came out every year, the first thing I looked for was the face of the girl I liked. First in the class picture, then in the prefect section, then the sports section and then all her other extracurriculars. I still remember her smile.
- Jeonghan is based off my neighbour who I wouldn’t have got to known except for covid. I looked forward to her company so much because I wouldn’t have talked to anyone all day. The little conversations we had in the open hallway kept me sane.
- Parts of Jun is based off a friend that I was close to for a year, when circumstances intertwined our lives. It wasn’t until she was gone that I realised how much she meant to me. Minghao’s panic in Guangzhou is based off my own exp with a crush but mostly the complaints of my old roommate who was still hung up on a straight girl that played with her heart. Also shout out to ash here for the pining material. I never pined much, always confessing ASAP to get rid of the feelings. But she pined for 6 years .
- I tried to make each vignette different. I wanted Minghao to learn a little bit about love each time, and a little bit about himself. I wanted to show the different types that you can experience. And I wanted most of them to be imperfect, incomplete, or ambiguous because that’s what actually happens right?
- The friendship after Jun leaves is based off some of my adult friendships. One of my closest friends from high school, and a friend I made on an overseas elective. We were so close once, but now we only talk sporadically about our niche interests (Chinese singing competitions, old mangas, japanese rock) We’ve drifted apart because our lives have taken separate roads, but we shared a portion of our lives that is unique to us, and preciously so. So whenever we meet we pick up right where we left off.
- Actually there’s a lot of memories in my life I reminisce about. But I learnt that life is kind of like perishable milk. It’s good, but you’re not meant to keep it forever or else it will spoil. You have to appreciate it while its with you.
- The details about fear boners are from AskReddit hahaha. I have so many funny comments saved but it’s also a gold mine for developing a POV that I’m foreign to. Like male adolescence.
- Mingyu’s one pan english breakfast is based off Gabie Kook’s recipe.
- Ever since Don't Lie I love the idea of Mingyu talking himself into trouble
- If you hunt down the original post on my dw, you will catch the similarities in this fic haha. But if anyone wants to ask about a particular part, feel free to hit up my CC.
Characterisation
(A pity this tenacity did not extend to love)
I like the paradox of Minghao, of how he is with himself, and how he is with people. I like his ambition, wanting to be a star ever since he was a baby, then chasing that dream overseas and working himself to the bone. I get the sense that he wants to be acknowledged by others, but at the same time, he doesn’t impose himself on others. He doesn’t reach out and ask to be seen, but when people perceive him, it means so much.
I had klavier’s give me a tempest up during editing because I admire how they wrote the development of a relationship. It feels so organic, and so GyuHao. It’s also a personal weak point for me because I also tend to lean on established relationships or ‘they had instant chemistry’ rather than working out how a relationship actually irons out over time.
I can never escape acefluff’s characterisation of Jihoon. That scene is influenced by the Jeonghan/Jihoon talk in Paint Me In Trust but I really need to rec whatever our souls are made of as an all-time favourite.
For 8Jun childhood friends, of course klavier, but also mariya’s 似曾相識 (soonhao, and the most galaxy brain take on pac rim). I had it up when I was writing in a cafe and the barista came over to tell me they were closing but my eyes were red from crying and uhhhh that was awkward. I love how they write about grief and loss in oblique (and it was v helpful that Jun was the one being mourned).
There are references to all of the fic above so if you recognise anything please let me know hehe, I will feel very satisfied
Miscellaneous Thoughts
I hit a lot of personal indulgences here. The object of affection as unattainable is one of my favourite tropes. It gets me so turnt when I read my bias being secretly appreciated and adored. And when they don’t reciprocate the love or outright remain out of reach!!! (rubs hands in glee).I read Anne Carson’s Eros recently and it transformed the way I thought about creating direction in writing. The whole book is a treatise on desire but these quotes influenced this fic.
The lover wants what he does not have … There is a dilemma within eros that has been thought crucial by thinkers from Sappho to the present day. Plato turns and returns to it. Four of his dialogues explore what it means to say that desire can only be for what is lacking, not at hand, not present, not in one’s possession nor in one’s being: eros entails endeia.
Who ever desires what is not gone? No one. The Greeks were clear on this. They invented eros to express it.
If we follow the trajectory of eros we consistently find it tracing out this same route: it moves out from the lover toward the beloved, then ricochets back to the lover himself and the hole in him, unnoticed before. Who is the real subject of most love poems? Not the beloved. It is that hole.
I was talking to justine about transitions and moving plot along and she told me about how she sees scenes as a ‘no but’ or a ‘yes but’. As in, the story answers a question (yes/no) but at the same time, poses a new one to keep the reader interested. This idea helped so much when writing. For example, the line 'Vernon was the second person Minghao ever told he was gay' gave me the opportunity to hint at Junhui later, and also link back into the moment with Soonyoung.
One of the reasons the fic took so long is because every time I wrote a slightly problematic experience I gave the role to a non-seventeen haha. I love them too much.
It started with Yixing’s part. I didn’t expand on how coercive age-difference first-love relationships can be because alas, I also love Yixing a lot, but I needed a fuckboy and wanted all of seventeen to be pure-hearted :’D Will I ever overcome this problem in my path to great plot? Stay tuned.
I wanted to write about Minghao feeling disgusted when Mingyu confessed. When you sense that someone likes you and then your perception of them shifts. All of a sudden you’re picking out their flaws, bringing them down, getting annoyed at the little things. When the platonic affection now makes you uncomfortable when previously it delighted you.
I know this comes from an unhealthy place. I know it’s because I don’t see myself worthy of love, as someone who can be liked, so anyone who thinks that surely must have poor judgment and bad taste.
I know that is wrong, but I can’t help it. I’m still figuring it out, figuring myself out. When Mingyu confessed in this fic, it was already too late for another character arc and I was afraid it will detract from Jun's plot
Ah this is like weight of heaven all over again and me avoiding the whole “Step 1: Love Yourself” aspect of learning to be loved.
About the process, I surprised myself in the last week. I struggled with concentration and procrastination every time I sat down. But I went to cafes without my phone and blocked out time without wifi and just, forced myself to face the files. And it worked. A few days before posting I started compiling the scenes and I was surprised at how much I've written and how much of the ‘fuck I just need to get words out’ content was actually usable.
I remember Yoongi’s interview, about how he goes to studio and lies down for 8 hours and works for 2. The 8 hours are painful but he trusts that the muse will come, and it comes.
I learnt to trust myself like that too.
I watched Rowena Tsai's video recently about why you should stop setting goals and start establishing systems. Because goals are sometime in the future, to be achieved some day, but a system is something you can put in place now. With goals, you are only satisified when you reach it, but when you set a process, the moment, the journey is already worth celebrating. And when you sit down to do a little every day, the results will come.
The results will come. "I am built upon the small things I do everyday."This was a lesson I learnt from Haikyuu.
